looking for a sanctuary
by kurojiri
Summary: Once you lived long enough of being a superhero it takes only the strongest wills to keep going.


**Febuwhump Challenge 2019.**

 **Prompts Used:** **Taken, Damage, Regret**

* * *

It had been a horrible nightmare before. A what if scenario that Tony desperately and earnestly tried to prevent. And it had been in vain in some aspects. Because, Tony had lived through it. Had witnessed his nightmares over and over.

(He sometimes wondered if he was considered alive or if he had in deed died before he had been saved from space.)

Either way, it had still plunged for him to carry that instinctual grief and pain when he woke up. It had been weeks since the dusting and the whole Thanos thing came to an end. He had seen everyone come back, as he presumed to live the life he knew beforehand; and Tony Stark should have thought that everything else would place its self-back to where they belonged. But it still had nagged him.

The ache of losing had done it again, it resurfaced all his fears since he knew it had all come into fruition. He had lost, as much as he had won. Likely, it would haunt him until his dying breath. Pepper had understood when she woke him. And he knew they would both work together through their versions of grief that they underwent during that fiasco.

It still didn't stop him when he felt the lingering anguish. Of the scene of Peter becoming dust. It had taken another part of him. A sense of losing a child, _his_ child—and Tony couldn't. That kid had been a big blow for him. They had been in space and his kid had died in his arms.

That had been something that Peter and Tony barely spoke about since then. Tony hadn't meant for it, they both just needed time apart to sort their own thoughts about that day. He had offered for both his aunt and him room, but they had declined. Peter had not asked for him since their reunion.

That had spooked him for various reasons that concluded to one thing: that Peter maybe didn't want him in his life anymore. It had costed his life, his aunt's and friends. Before Thanos, Peter had been happier. It had been clear to see it, in the way he spoke, in the way he walked and in the way his eyes were filled with so much more life. He wasn't broken like Tony was, but Peter had seen and felt more than he should have for his age, he was supposed to have been innocent, not having to deal with the aftermath of being a superhero. And that—had crossed it in Tony's heart, he couldn't go the next day with the guilt growing. To know he had been at fault for helping Peter become dust in space.

Would it have been better if Peter stayed back in Earth when it happened? Or would it all remain the same, with having Peter disconnected? Out of sync with most people in his life. He didn't know what to feel anymore, it had been become second nature to sink down when his emotions did that. To have a pain he couldn't erase.

It had made sense why Peter stayed with May, she had lived long enough and raised him to have a better understanding at how his kid worked. But it'd hurt. It had set Tony into a place of not being able to find a perfectly stable corner.

He didn't drink. That had been a small mercy in there as he had been given. Although, his own body was not feeling exactly great either as his sober thoughts went on a joy ride of chasing his trauma. It had been many years since he'd started being Iron Man. And while he had been happy to have cleaned up a bit when compared to his blackout twenties and teen, Tony still couldn't help but feel as if this were karma hitting him. With his kid getting hurt. Of having the world blame him of how weird the world has gotten.

He didn't ask for it. But maybe that had been why it had happened. For him to feel all this shit he caused before. He never liked being low on spirits, but it had been hard not to slip in those emotions. It had been a home he knew well as he grew up. Rhodey, Happy and Pepper had done their best over the years, and while he would be thankful Tony still couldn't help but feel like a mess. Like he didn't deserve their kindness. Especially when he hurt them for his decisions when he declared himself as Iron Man. Or for being Tony Stark, the billionaire that made too many enemies for various reasons.

It had been why he always felt guilty of seeing Peter as his son, because he wasn't. He already had a set that died years ago, an uncle too. His remaining family member still clutched him, and Tony understood it. Peter was a light the world didn't deserve but got anyways. Spider bit or not. He was the real deal; the kid could change the world for the better.

But that had been why Tony had always been scared. He couldn't fuck it up. And when he had died—Tony just couldn't really. He just couldn't stop thinking about it. The dust. The way Peter had fought to stay alive. It would never leave his memories. They would remain there, haunting him.

He had been tinkering in the lab when he got the call. FRIDAY's call was a sharp snap. "Boss, Peter is here."

Tony didn't expect that. And as he fumbled with his seat, he called for FRIDAY to let him in. The second of hearing his own quick breath made it horrible, like a jump scare he knew that would always get him. Peter had been alive for a while now, and Tony shouldn't have been that emotional, but he couldn't help it. Not when the door opened, and Peter was there. Breathing. Alive. And still watching him being frozen.

He could tell that Peter had not been sleeping well. He had twitched by the oil from his fingers but otherwise had been happy to see Tony alive too. His gangly body slowly walked closer. As if debating what to say to Tony.

He beat him to it. "Hey, there kid." He gestured at the lab. "Do you want tinker for a bit or get something to eat?"

Peter's face was careful for Peter's standard. He still looked defeated, but not as much as before when he came back. Obviously, his time with his aunt helped ease him back to the land of the living. Now, with him near Tony, it had been a new test for each other. To pick up the pieces and live like before. Or rather, to find a pace where their future and present was easy enough to muse over.

He smiled encouragingly, and as Peter shied for the option of food. Tony took that first step of them awkwardly walking together by placing one hand over Peter's head to ruffle his curls. The action had been natural, small, but perfect for them to trying to go back into their routines for looking for a sanctuary in the world they lived in.


End file.
